Emotional Healing required

Before I left for Gaia I purchased Dr Libby's ebook "Beauty from the Inside Out". It is a whopping 582 pages though so I didn't take it with me.

Ever since I arrived home I've been slowly making my way through it. Each time I manage to sit down and focus on it for 50 pages or so I have an "a-ha" moment.

Dr Libby has pinpointed things that no GP or other specialist has been able to for me. For example, the trigger to my hypothyroidism was when I had glandular fever. (I knew that's what happened myself, but no medically-trained person said to me "yes, this is why that happened and why that makes sense".) 

When I read what Dr Libby has to say on the link between emotions and weight loss (and adrenal fatigue), that's when the light bulb really went on for me. Up until now, whenver anyone has said that we need to heal our emotional issues in order to lose weight, I thought it was bullcrap.

Not anymore.

I'm not going to be able to explain why in a blog post (it takes Dr Libby 582 pages to explain why). But here's a brilliant metaphor she used. I've paraphrased:

There are many steps you can take to actively assist your body when balancing hormones and reducing stress (ie diet changes, supplements, relaxation techniques). But you should also get to the heart of the matter to see why you do what you do when you know what you know - its not a lack of education or knowledge that leads you to eat too much sugar- its biochemical or emotional, or both.

Otherwise its like trying to stop a bath from overflowing by easing the plug out of the hole while leaving the tap running. Exploring the emotional side of your health lets you turn off the tap.

Thank you Dr Libby. I'm going to work on turning off the tap. 

A list of maladies

I've made a list of all my health complaints and issues. It ended up being separated into a before baby section and an after baby section. My dissected life.

The list will:
1. motivate me to make the changes I need to make
2. keep motivating me through my long and frequent "lapses" that will occur from now until eternity
2. help me track any health improvements as I move towards being sugar free (note to self - quit sugar)

Health Complaints Summary

Before Baby

* Overweight since childhood with some yo-yo’ing. Only successful technique to keep weight under control was extreme exercise

* Diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis around 24 years old, no side effects so no treatment at that time

* Bad episode of glandular fever at 30, took over a year to feel like energy levels were “normal” again. As part of fatigue management started thyroid replacement medication. Dose stayed same and did not change until pregnancy

* Diagnosed with PCOS at 32

* Perfectionist and competitive (but I thought I was just hard-working)

* Patello fermeral knee pain (well-managed by physio) but slight clicky knee

* Intermittent/Low sex drive

* Allergies (dust mites and pollen)

* Very dark circles under eyes

* Limp, oily hair

After Baby

* Gained a further 5kg after baby born. Currently around 15kg over pre-baby weight (not sure as no longer weigh self)

* Total reliance on sugar to get through day’s energy slumps. Consumption of chocolate and other sugary, processed carbohydrate food has increased. Always had a sweet tooth, but didn't consume this much or this often ever before

* Skipping some meals which never used to do

* Extreme fatigue, particularly in afternoon and early evening. Comes and goes in good and bad waves which last around 1-4 weeks

* Don’t wake up feeling rested. Very rarely have a deep sleep. The more tired I feel, the worse I sleep. If I’m woken at 3am by needing to go to the toilet, a bad dream, or being hot then not only do I toss and turn until 6am but I also find that I get into the pattern of waking at 3am several nights in a row and can’t break it.

* Thyroid dose increased up and down a little but with no clear results

* Increased susceptibility to infections. Recently had an ear infection for first time since childhood and now have sinusitis first time ever

* Planta Fasciitis in both feet which took about 12 months to heal (apparently caused by weight gain and increased stretchiness of ligaments from pregnancy hormones)

* Significant loss of muscle tone, causing problems around hips, knees and ankles

* Pregnancy-related groin pain (myofascial) that was occasional but at its worst about 15 months after baby born (potentially injury because abdominal muscles very weak). 

* Very clicky knees

* First few months after birth had terrible carpel tunnel in my hands, I still wake up with pins and needles or completely numb hands quite often

* Diagnosed with Psoriasis on knees that has not responded to any topical creams, hasn't improved in over a year

* Sometimes get a painful swelling and red itchiness on joints (ankles, knees, knuckles and wrists mostly) during night and morning, usually lasts until the afternoon and then disappears. Not every day, just random, can’t work out the cause

* Constant (more than 10 times per day) comparison of myself to other mothers. All the fit and healthy ones with energy and ability to fit in clothes that make them look good. Also the ones with successful careers and planted vegetable patches, who are able to take their babies and toddlers on interstate and overseas holidays

*Diagnosed with anxiety disorder and post natal depression. Felt better after a short course of 6 counselling sessions, but do find that sad periods can creep up on me again like they never used to. Get more teary, down and overwhelmed during stressful periods than I used to

* When I need to do a number 2, the need comes suddenly and its very urgent. Waiting causes cramps and pain (not fun on public transport)

* Zero sex drive

* Increased allergy to cat hair

* Even darker circles under eyes

* Even limper and oilier hair

Rest under a tree, out of the wind

Its windy today in Sydney. Far too windy and I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel flustered, drained, annoyed and angry at nothing and everything. 

Sarah Wilson has a post (or maybe a few) commenting on the fact that wind is bad for stirring up “vata” energy and therefore exhausts the adrenals. I think that’s why she recommends staying out the wind on her “thyroidy” days. More here and here.

But here's the thing. Compared to Sarah (I know, don't compare) I can’t do what I want, when I want. I have a 2 year old boy who needs entertainment. Its not that easy to change plans and stay inside.

Generally, my needs have to come second when he is awake. Time for myself happens when he’s sleeping. I also make the effort to schedule in baby-sitting for me time each week, but I can't predict when its going to be windy or when I am going to have a "thyroidy" day (ie, when I'm simply not in the mood). So I have to push through until the next break comes.

The thing that made me really think about this was Sarah’s recent "I ate sugar" post. It was a lovely post. She shared and embraced her vulnerability publicly which is so important to show other women that they are not alone.

But there is one thing Sarah said that I have stuck in my mind-  that she sat under a tree for 2 hours to recover from the sugar after-effects.

How many people can do that? I can't. I can sit down for only about 10 minutes and there is probably someone little (but heavy enough) crawling all over me while I’m doing it. 

I think my inability to sit under a tree could be the reason for my current "lapse". Instead of Sarah’s experience of having a “lapse” but then recovering over the rest of the day, I have a lapse and I’m back on the sugar roller coaster for good. It keeps going for days and days and only gets worse. 

I'm back on sugar now. And I have so much of it too. Box after box of chocolate biscuits and pastries and chocolate and ice cream. Its not a lapse. Its a very serious addiction and problem. But I don’t have time or space or opportunity to sit under a tree and deal with it. Instead I just reach for more and keep on going. In the wind.

Giving away my power

I find it almost impossible to say no. Its part of my unassertive personality.

I have been reading about adrenal fatigue recently as I'm sure I have it. It sounds unrelated to being unassertive, but its not. According to this website, the key to healing adrenal fatigue is to stop "giving away my power". I'm still trying to properly understand what this is. (And I'm planning to post more about healing adrenal fatigue in the coming weeks, a new focus linked to quitting sugar.)

But for now, I think I have a perfect example of giving away my power.

On Friday my boss's assistant called me to ask if I was ok switching desks with another girl in the team.

The other girl's desk is further down the corridor and away from all natural light. I love where I sit now because the people who sit around me are friendly and talkative. Coming into work 2 days per week for some social interaction is really important to me. (Most other days are spent talking with my 22 month old or having superficial conversations with other mums at the park.) The other desk is surrounded by quiet people that I don't know very well. I do not want to move.

But of course, I immediately said yes. Even when I was doing it, I knew that I was "giving away my power". I rationalised it to myself though. My boss allows me a lot of flexibility for which I am very grateful. So in return, I do not want to be a difficult employee. Also, because I only work 2 days per week in the office, do I really have the right to demand "a good desk" over others who work 5 days a week?

I have pushed my wants so far down the priority ladder that I hardly ever focus on them. And I have so little practice asking for things that I don't know how to do it. I feel like if I do ask then I'm being demanding and difficult.

Today I read this article about how saying yes is bad for your health. That article is about me. I always want to be amenable. I'm always doing "the right thing" by others. I have to change though. I still felt uneasy about saying yes to the move, it was preying on my mind.

So I've just sent a simple and polite email to my boss's assistant, asking if we could explore other solutions as I would prefer to stay at my desk. I can't believe I found it so hard to build up the courage to do it, as it was so easy in the end. And I feel better already.

Do you have trouble saying no? Is it affecting your health?