Emotional Healing required

Before I left for Gaia I purchased Dr Libby's ebook "Beauty from the Inside Out". It is a whopping 582 pages though so I didn't take it with me.

Ever since I arrived home I've been slowly making my way through it. Each time I manage to sit down and focus on it for 50 pages or so I have an "a-ha" moment.

Dr Libby has pinpointed things that no GP or other specialist has been able to for me. For example, the trigger to my hypothyroidism was when I had glandular fever. (I knew that's what happened myself, but no medically-trained person said to me "yes, this is why that happened and why that makes sense".) 

When I read what Dr Libby has to say on the link between emotions and weight loss (and adrenal fatigue), that's when the light bulb really went on for me. Up until now, whenver anyone has said that we need to heal our emotional issues in order to lose weight, I thought it was bullcrap.

Not anymore.

I'm not going to be able to explain why in a blog post (it takes Dr Libby 582 pages to explain why). But here's a brilliant metaphor she used. I've paraphrased:

There are many steps you can take to actively assist your body when balancing hormones and reducing stress (ie diet changes, supplements, relaxation techniques). But you should also get to the heart of the matter to see why you do what you do when you know what you know - its not a lack of education or knowledge that leads you to eat too much sugar- its biochemical or emotional, or both.

Otherwise its like trying to stop a bath from overflowing by easing the plug out of the hole while leaving the tap running. Exploring the emotional side of your health lets you turn off the tap.

Thank you Dr Libby. I'm going to work on turning off the tap. 

The third revolution for women

Today I came across a beautiful blending of two beliefs I hold passionately:

(1) The need to find a new way of working, see my post here on Nigel Marsh

(2) The need to no longer have the world run by men who value power and money. See one of my favourite TED talks by Eve Ensler about embracing the inner girl in each of us.

And also this talk by Isabelle Allende.

The talk I came across today blends each of these ideas. I give you Arianna Huffington of the Huffington Post giving a Commencement Speech:

My takeaways from what she said are:

A Third Revolution is needed to change the way women work and to change the definition of a successful career (away from the historical male made model).

Success how we have defined it is no longer sustainable for human beings or the planet.

We need to include well-being in our definition of success. 

Stay connected to the essence of who you are - you will easily lose it because the society around you values money and power.

If we stay connected to the essence of who we are then we can use our inner wisdom when "running the world".

We can all then live our lives with more grace, more truth, more empathy and more gratitude.

Amen

Wheat and Dairy Free (and sugar too)

When I was at Gaia, I ate wholesome meals such as muesli and poached fruit with yogurt or vegetable frittata for breakfast; salad, avocado on sprouted grain bread, kale soup and bean casserole for lunch; and grilled prawns or chicken with vegetables for dinner and fruit based desserts. I rarely snacked and if I did, it was on nuts or fruit. I drank a lot of herbal tea.

The food they provided was very low in sugar, wheat and dairy. It was extremely different to my regular diet.

Lunch Day 1

Lunch Day 2

After eating like this for just 2 days I feel fantastic. I felt lighter in every aspect.  I was at peace with my eating. After just 2 days I even felt like my pants were looser around the waist.

I saw a naturopath when I was there who reminded me of the Type A diet I should be following for my blood type- not only low in meat but also low in wheat and dairy. So I tried to keep the dairy and wheat intake low when I got home. They started to slowly creep back in here and there. I thought to myself that once per week was ok. And I still felt good.

Then I started drinking milky coffee 3 times per week. Then I started eating bread occasionally and then the chocolate, pastries and biscuits followed suit. The overeating and the junk is back and so is feeling bloated and uncomfortable. The contrast is incredible. I feel so heavy and big that I even find it harder to breathe.

My body is telling me LOUD and clear (using the same words I hear from my son all day) :  "I DON'T LIKE IT!" It doesn't like having to process all this crap.

I need to listen to how I feel.



.

My time belongs to someone else

Recently I came across two blog posts that were open and honest about how being a mum can sometimes be tough and tiring. I respected the authors more after reading them. I believe women should share their struggles and show each other that we are not alone. We should be open. There is no reason to hide.

The two posts were by Pia Jane Bijerk who I just discovered and was immediately drawn to and by Joanna Goddard who is essentially the reason why I write this blog of my own. You can find the posts I'm referring to here and here.

Last night I watched a British drama set in the 1950s in which a women gave birth to a premature baby. In the end it survived but it was 'touch and go' for awhile. I got very emotional thinking about how precious my little one is. I reminded myself that I would do anything for him, to protect him and make him happy.

But this morning, I was back in the real world. Today I had my once a week outdoor fitness class booked in. As always, my little man kicked up a fuss when he saw what I wearing and figured out where we are going. Usually he calms down once we've arrived and even has fun for most of the hour.

Today he wasn't having it though. As we got closer to the park where the training is, his crying got more intense. I wanted to be firm, I didn't want him to manipulate me. I wanted to give myself this 1 hour of exercise. We parked the car and I spent a little while trying to comfort him. All he wanted was to go home. I eventually decided I couldn't do it today. I wasn't feeling strong enough. I had to give in.

I shed a few tears as we drove away. I cannot make plans for myself anymore without the possibility that they might have to be broken. No time is truly my own anymore. When I first became a mum I was acutely aware of this fact every day. Now it tends to hit me in the face more rarely, but it still hurts when it does. Last night I was prepared to make any sacrifice for my son. I still am. But I can't help feeling sorry for myself when I do.

Leaving the Corporate World behind

I find myself drawn to articles about the need for more flexible work arrangements. Have a look at Women's Agenda and you will find many good ones.

When I read these articles I tend to get frustrated.

When it comes to large corporations (and law firms) talking about how they support women in the workplace and provide flexible work-place arrangements, my skeptical opinion is that its mostly lip-service. There are exceptions, but they are rare and they are most certainly not offered to new employees.

I was at a female business mentoring event recently, speaking to the female CFO of a multi-national. She had inspiring stories to tell about how women can progress in her organisation. I was motivated just listening to her. A week later, my friend who happens to work at that same organisation had her request for job-share arrangements turned down by her male manager. She had to resign as working full-time while she has two young children (1 and 3) isn't something she's prepared to do.

My conclusion is that its not possible to work flexibly for a corporation. Their mindset isn't in the right place to properly embrace it. Corporations exist to make money, not happy workers.

I left working in financial corporations about 3 years ago. I have only occasionally thought of going back, attracted by the higher salary mostly. But also by the efficiency of how they get things done (it suits my results-driven personality!). But I've finally come to the conclusion that I'm out for good now. I want to be available when my son needs me for at least another 17 years. And I can't see how that can happen if I go back to working in finance.

Part of me feels scared by this realisation, I feel trapped by cutting myself out of that huge employment market. But if I try hard enough I also liberated and excited about being able to pursue a career that has more meaning to me. Also one that is more within my own control than that of shareholders who need me to work full-time during business hours.

Before & After Gaia

I'm just back from a 2 night break at the Gaia retreat & spa and I have a lot to write about.

But for now, here are two poems. I copied Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote two poems at the beginning and end of her stay at an ashram in India. The first poem I wrote a few nights before I left. The second poem came to me during a yoga session on the final morning.

                                                                         ------

Worried, Blocked, Tight, Anxious
Blob, blah, tired, fat
Slow, bulge, Me, ugh
My Tom, My Tom, me

Lost, Confused
Pushing for an answer
Don't want to be away
Never think of anything else

If only, one day
Abstract dreams
Today down, today eat

                                                                          -------


I am here
Nurture me
Love me
I will come back

I am Light
I am Love
I am worthy

I am here
Nurture me
Care for me
I will come back

Rainy Monday Observations

1. I always look at the ground in front of me when I walk. If I consciously push my shoulder blades back and down and push my chest out and proud then I'm facing the world and I feel more confident. It will also delay my dowager's hump which is on its way courtesy of my mother and her genes. Remember - eyes up, chest out, shoulder square!

2. My periods are heavier and I have more clots when I am more overweight. I was thinking that the bad periods were a side-effect of the extra weight. But now I've had a mental shift. Both the heavy periods and the extra weight a side effects of eating badly. I simply need to eat better and both symptoms (the periods and the extra weight) would get better. Simple. (Come on brain, come on motivation- eat better! Eat how a human being is meant to eat.....)

3. I went to the effort to make this Dr Oz quinoa porridge for breakfast. It was sh!t, even with strawberries and sweetened coconut added in. And it left me hungry.

4. I crave chocolate all the time. My favourite time eat chocolate is breakfast time. Period or not.

My Beauty Project

I generally quite like Kasey Edwards’ articles. I like what she has to say on body image and “fat-shaming” in our culture. On occasion she has made me think twice about why I hate my body so much.

This recent article was no exception.  Its about a collection of images called “Full Beauty”. 

One phrase in particular struck me deeply the instant I read it.

A similar collection of photographs of men would, most likely, have less of an impact for the simple reason that men aren’t required to be beautiful. Because men are valued for being clever, competent, funny and ambitious, they have no need to take their clothes off to make a political statement about their worth.

I felt like I had sudden clarity over the pressure to be beautiful simply because I'm a woman. But then I realised that even if it is our culture asking something of me that I shouldn't naturally expect of myself, the facts still exist. I am a woman. I want to be beautiful.

I’m not talking size 6 model “beautiful”. I’m not even talking size 10 "she's hot" beautiful. I’m talking the right beautiful for me. The inner and outer beauty that will come from respecting my body and treating it well. 

I’m not talking about having green smoothies for breakfast (although I might try it a few times) or counting weight watchers points. I’m talking about eating how a human being is meant to eat. (Hint: we are not meant to eat processed food full of sugars and fat and chemicals.)

Not only will this bring me (hopefully) more time on this earth to send with my son, and more energy with which to do it, but it will also bring confidence and therefore happiness. I personally don’t think the women in the Full Beauty photos have the confidence or happiness they would like to have. And I don’t think they are treating their bodies very well.

How can I judge this? Because I am the same as them. I am not eating the way a human being is meant to eat. I skip meals and binge on junk food. I do not look good in my clothes. I have problems with my knees and feet because of excess weight. I am full of shame and self-loathing. And I hate myself for it all. 

Despite this, my resolve to turn it around never strengthens as much as I would like. But, at least there is resolve. And the resolve keeps returning. I think it always will, because gaining confidence from my beauty is important to me.

There’s no rush, no pressure. Just importance. 

Right now I don’t have the confidence to look into the camera. One day I will.

  

Everything I've been dreaming of on Work Life Balance and more....

This TedTalk by Nigel March has so many fantastic ideas in it. I thought to myself "Yes, Exactly!" and "Why doesn't everyone get this? Its so important."

I've only watched it once, just now, but I already feel like its everything I want to say about the work life balance issue, and more. Genius.

How to Make Work Life Balance Work

Nigel Marsh

A list of maladies

I've made a list of all my health complaints and issues. It ended up being separated into a before baby section and an after baby section. My dissected life.

The list will:
1. motivate me to make the changes I need to make
2. keep motivating me through my long and frequent "lapses" that will occur from now until eternity
2. help me track any health improvements as I move towards being sugar free (note to self - quit sugar)

Health Complaints Summary

Before Baby

* Overweight since childhood with some yo-yo’ing. Only successful technique to keep weight under control was extreme exercise

* Diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis around 24 years old, no side effects so no treatment at that time

* Bad episode of glandular fever at 30, took over a year to feel like energy levels were “normal” again. As part of fatigue management started thyroid replacement medication. Dose stayed same and did not change until pregnancy

* Diagnosed with PCOS at 32

* Perfectionist and competitive (but I thought I was just hard-working)

* Patello fermeral knee pain (well-managed by physio) but slight clicky knee

* Intermittent/Low sex drive

* Allergies (dust mites and pollen)

* Very dark circles under eyes

* Limp, oily hair

After Baby

* Gained a further 5kg after baby born. Currently around 15kg over pre-baby weight (not sure as no longer weigh self)

* Total reliance on sugar to get through day’s energy slumps. Consumption of chocolate and other sugary, processed carbohydrate food has increased. Always had a sweet tooth, but didn't consume this much or this often ever before

* Skipping some meals which never used to do

* Extreme fatigue, particularly in afternoon and early evening. Comes and goes in good and bad waves which last around 1-4 weeks

* Don’t wake up feeling rested. Very rarely have a deep sleep. The more tired I feel, the worse I sleep. If I’m woken at 3am by needing to go to the toilet, a bad dream, or being hot then not only do I toss and turn until 6am but I also find that I get into the pattern of waking at 3am several nights in a row and can’t break it.

* Thyroid dose increased up and down a little but with no clear results

* Increased susceptibility to infections. Recently had an ear infection for first time since childhood and now have sinusitis first time ever

* Planta Fasciitis in both feet which took about 12 months to heal (apparently caused by weight gain and increased stretchiness of ligaments from pregnancy hormones)

* Significant loss of muscle tone, causing problems around hips, knees and ankles

* Pregnancy-related groin pain (myofascial) that was occasional but at its worst about 15 months after baby born (potentially injury because abdominal muscles very weak). 

* Very clicky knees

* First few months after birth had terrible carpel tunnel in my hands, I still wake up with pins and needles or completely numb hands quite often

* Diagnosed with Psoriasis on knees that has not responded to any topical creams, hasn't improved in over a year

* Sometimes get a painful swelling and red itchiness on joints (ankles, knees, knuckles and wrists mostly) during night and morning, usually lasts until the afternoon and then disappears. Not every day, just random, can’t work out the cause

* Constant (more than 10 times per day) comparison of myself to other mothers. All the fit and healthy ones with energy and ability to fit in clothes that make them look good. Also the ones with successful careers and planted vegetable patches, who are able to take their babies and toddlers on interstate and overseas holidays

*Diagnosed with anxiety disorder and post natal depression. Felt better after a short course of 6 counselling sessions, but do find that sad periods can creep up on me again like they never used to. Get more teary, down and overwhelmed during stressful periods than I used to

* When I need to do a number 2, the need comes suddenly and its very urgent. Waiting causes cramps and pain (not fun on public transport)

* Zero sex drive

* Increased allergy to cat hair

* Even darker circles under eyes

* Even limper and oilier hair

Rest under a tree, out of the wind

Its windy today in Sydney. Far too windy and I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel flustered, drained, annoyed and angry at nothing and everything. 

Sarah Wilson has a post (or maybe a few) commenting on the fact that wind is bad for stirring up “vata” energy and therefore exhausts the adrenals. I think that’s why she recommends staying out the wind on her “thyroidy” days. More here and here.

But here's the thing. Compared to Sarah (I know, don't compare) I can’t do what I want, when I want. I have a 2 year old boy who needs entertainment. Its not that easy to change plans and stay inside.

Generally, my needs have to come second when he is awake. Time for myself happens when he’s sleeping. I also make the effort to schedule in baby-sitting for me time each week, but I can't predict when its going to be windy or when I am going to have a "thyroidy" day (ie, when I'm simply not in the mood). So I have to push through until the next break comes.

The thing that made me really think about this was Sarah’s recent "I ate sugar" post. It was a lovely post. She shared and embraced her vulnerability publicly which is so important to show other women that they are not alone.

But there is one thing Sarah said that I have stuck in my mind-  that she sat under a tree for 2 hours to recover from the sugar after-effects.

How many people can do that? I can't. I can sit down for only about 10 minutes and there is probably someone little (but heavy enough) crawling all over me while I’m doing it. 

I think my inability to sit under a tree could be the reason for my current "lapse". Instead of Sarah’s experience of having a “lapse” but then recovering over the rest of the day, I have a lapse and I’m back on the sugar roller coaster for good. It keeps going for days and days and only gets worse. 

I'm back on sugar now. And I have so much of it too. Box after box of chocolate biscuits and pastries and chocolate and ice cream. Its not a lapse. Its a very serious addiction and problem. But I don’t have time or space or opportunity to sit under a tree and deal with it. Instead I just reach for more and keep on going. In the wind.

I am a malformed, misguided wretch

I'm reading Caleb's Crossing by Geraldine Brooks and came across a paragraph that simultaneously infuriated and enlightened me.

Its 1661 and Bethia has just revealed to her current master a new plan to get a job in the "buttery" at Harvard College so that she can overhear the lectures taking place and learn while she is preparing meals. His response:

"This is most unwise my dear, most imprudent. These lectures are not fashioned for the unfurnished mind of the fairer sex. What need has a wife and mother to cudgel her faculties with the seven arts and the three philosophies? Have a care, or you will torment yourself into a malformed, misguided wretch...."

I was infuriated by the repression, the inequality, the unfairness.

I was enlightened by the unbearable truth in the statement. Since the majority of child-raising and home-managing is done by women (it still is all around the world, even in Scandinavia - but that's another post), then isn't it easier if this is all they know? If that is all that is ever open to them?

I'm proposing that to have a taste of freedom and intellect and then lose it is much harder and makes us much less happy than never having had those things in the first place.

Giving away my power

I find it almost impossible to say no. Its part of my unassertive personality.

I have been reading about adrenal fatigue recently as I'm sure I have it. It sounds unrelated to being unassertive, but its not. According to this website, the key to healing adrenal fatigue is to stop "giving away my power". I'm still trying to properly understand what this is. (And I'm planning to post more about healing adrenal fatigue in the coming weeks, a new focus linked to quitting sugar.)

But for now, I think I have a perfect example of giving away my power.

On Friday my boss's assistant called me to ask if I was ok switching desks with another girl in the team.

The other girl's desk is further down the corridor and away from all natural light. I love where I sit now because the people who sit around me are friendly and talkative. Coming into work 2 days per week for some social interaction is really important to me. (Most other days are spent talking with my 22 month old or having superficial conversations with other mums at the park.) The other desk is surrounded by quiet people that I don't know very well. I do not want to move.

But of course, I immediately said yes. Even when I was doing it, I knew that I was "giving away my power". I rationalised it to myself though. My boss allows me a lot of flexibility for which I am very grateful. So in return, I do not want to be a difficult employee. Also, because I only work 2 days per week in the office, do I really have the right to demand "a good desk" over others who work 5 days a week?

I have pushed my wants so far down the priority ladder that I hardly ever focus on them. And I have so little practice asking for things that I don't know how to do it. I feel like if I do ask then I'm being demanding and difficult.

Today I read this article about how saying yes is bad for your health. That article is about me. I always want to be amenable. I'm always doing "the right thing" by others. I have to change though. I still felt uneasy about saying yes to the move, it was preying on my mind.

So I've just sent a simple and polite email to my boss's assistant, asking if we could explore other solutions as I would prefer to stay at my desk. I can't believe I found it so hard to build up the courage to do it, as it was so easy in the end. And I feel better already.

Do you have trouble saying no? Is it affecting your health?

Coconut...yum, yum

I have not kept track of where I'm up to on the IQS program. In my personal opinion (the only opinion that matters, I remind myself) I am doing really well. My consumption of sugar has radically reduced.

I'm being flexible about it. I'm allowing a piece or two of fruit every other day or so. 

I've had some major blow-outs. But I'm being gentle on myself. I've moved on from those slip-ups without getting too angry at myself. I use them to remind myself how bad sugar makes me feel. Out of control, unbalanced and unhappy.

I'm going all out on the coconut front.

I have consumed more coconut in the last month than I have in years. Here is what I've tried:

• Sarah Wilson's Coconutty Granola. My recipe was slightly different to this one - no sugar, 3 cups oats, 1 cup nuts and 1/2 cup chia seeds (probably a bit too much chia)

•  Broccoli and pumpkin stir fired in coconut oil and topped with toasted coconut flakes. Best afternoon snack I've bothered to make myself in a long time.

•  A spoonful in my greet tea a la Miranda Kerr. (I couldn't taste it actually, but it left my lips velvety and smooth)

•  Every day now I drink Cocobella coconut water.

Coconut feels decadently rich. I can't help feeling guilty. So I read about its benefits often. 

You can find some other uses for coconut oil here. It leaves me feeling as though my old and creaky insides are finally getting some long-needed oiling.

Calamari and Chai

I'm up to week 2 of the I Quit Sugar program which is "Operation: Eat Fat". Its either sheer genius or a full-fat recipe for disaster. The idea is that you start to replace your sugar fixes with fat fixes. (The fat is meant to be good fat and protein-y too.)

So far its working quite well. This afternoon I had that niggly feeling where all I could think of was going to the shops to buy a hot chocolate or an apple custard bun. But then I remembered one of Sarah Wilson's tips to eat Calamari instead of dessert. So I stopped by the fish shop and had 6 delicious crumbed calamari instead. It felt utterly bizarre to be eating something savoury at that time of the day. But it worked - I didn't feel like I was missing out and the craving passed without any mental stress.

My only concern is that if I don't move on from "Operation: Eat Fat" quickly then I will replace my sweet tooth with a fat tooth and won't have solved anything. So I'm setting a date to start the scary next step- Week 3- totally sugar-free. Next Monday.

This evening I made myself a cup of chai tea on the stove top using almond milk and my new Henry Langdon Chai Spice mix. I felt like I was nurturing myself, in just the right way.